Astrology, it’s a load of old bollox really. People looking to the stars to predict how a person’s week will unfold based on the time that that person was born? Bollox.

“Sagittarius will have an interesting week as Jupiter stops by to borrow some sugar.” Bollox, that sounds like a David Bowie lyric.

I have no time for it or anyone who says “But Mary from number 43 read in her stars that she’d come into money and last Thursday she won at Bingo.” Bollox. Last week having gone to Bingo every week for twenty seven years, the odds finally cut her a break and paid her back a fraction of what she had paid out.

Bollox.

According to these people I’m a Capricorn and anyone born a few days either side of my birthday will have a completely different life? That’s not astrology, that’s life. The person born a few cubicles either side of the one I emerged form in the Rotunda has had a completely different life, but the astrologers didn’t see the crib switching coming, did they?

I could go on and on, but you get the message. I think it’s bollox. To try and educate those who are still unbelievers in my way of thinking. I have taken a simple line from each star signs reading for the month from a site that updates regularly and translated it into sane persons language.

Every now and again we’ll do the same, just when someone utters the sentence “Read in my stars today that I’ll meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger who’ll sweep me off my feet”. Be sure to let us know if anything ever comes true.  I won’t hold my breath.

Here we go….

ARIES:
“…… and if you’re lucky enough to be planning a holiday abroad, romance could be on the menu with someone met unexpectedly whom you like spontaneously.”

You mean a holiday fling? What crazy son of a bitch would ever have thunk that? Bollox.

TAURUS:
“…… Bosses may be vague in their instructions this week, and you may find yourself distracted by your plans for home.”

If you keep daydreaming like a fourth year student on work experience, I’ll sack your sorry ass. It’s not that vague really, is it?

GEMINI:
“….. Hopefully soon will find you stretched out on some idyllic beach reading romantic novels to your heart’s content Gemini.”

Fuck me, another holiday related reading coming up to holiday season? True inspiration. Keep an eye out for a slutty Aries by the pool when the Mills & Boon stops doing the trick.

CANCER:
“……Beware speeding this week as you could be subject to unexpected fines….”

If you’re speeding, you shouldn’t find the fine that arrives “unexpected”. Unless you’re a Cancer. Is cancer Latin for dumb?

LEO:
“….. With so much activity in your sign again this week Leo, you should be at your most captivating. Partners may be a little economical with the truth this week, not intentionally to deceive perhaps, but possibly to protect you both from any ugly surprises that could be emerging from the woodwork, particularly where finances are concerned…..”

You were too busy working to realise that she’s spent all the money on Jimmy Choos and the Visa bill in on the way under armed guard. The truth is the only fecking thing she was economical with!

VIRGO:
“….. You could be at your feistiest this week and keen to win out in any arguments with partners….”

Now is the time to play the “I never got over coming home to find you having alone time with midget porn” card. May not win the argument if you are yourself, a midget.

LIBRA:
“…… Your great friendliness and outgoingness should come to the fore this week and win you many friends and plaudits….”

Pretty sure that “outgoingness” is not a real word, and that’s not how you spell applause. Gibshotes.

SCORPIO:
“….. You may choose to spend some of this (money) on prettifying your work surroundings or indulging family with a special treat….. ”

Prettifying? Give them a round of aplaudits.

SAGITTARIUS:
“…… and whilst friends may be supportive of your dreams, family may be less so.”

You’re not destined to be a world class leading belly dancer. You’re a pudgy bank assistant, Dave. And you can’t dance.

CAPRICORN:
“…… and you may find yourself enjoying yourself more than you thought possible…. ”

Ahem.

AQUARIUS:
“…..building in a surplus to the budget to allow for any unexpected expenses, should serve you well…..”

Think that bottle of champagne comes complimentary with the stripper? Thinks again you should.

PISCES:
“…… Partners could be critical of the time you may be devoting to certain aspects of your work however and criticize you for a possible lack of attention to detail in joint efforts…..”

Lets worry about the munchies when we reach that bridge. Light the damn joint.

I’m off to rub my crystal balls to see what I can cum up with for next month.

Still real men don’t care for such things, and we don’t care about wearing wet underwear.  Sure it’s good enough for yer ma, wha?

The only men who care about horoscopes tend to be the men who wish they had a vagina instead of a penis and tweet about how  much they’re digging Damien Rice lately.

For the rest of us it’s a mystery why wimmin and vagina coveting men have such interest in things like this.  So in this long since attended to series, we look at the past monthly horoscopes and give you the actual meanings of the readings with our in-house bullshit translator.

Then you can see if they came true or not…..

(By the way, we will be giving the “signs”, but we don’t know what they are.  If you do, download Damien’s album “O” and head to the doctor for a vagina fitting)

Aries – The actual horoscope

Relationships make headlines for you this month, dear Aries.  Strong energy for relating is with you now, although some complications are likely as well.  You may be rethinking your needs or those of a partner and dealing with debts from the past when it comes to relationships.  Take your time and don’t push matters. Go over your finances carefully, get counsel if needed, and avoid disputes over money.  It’s not the best time to ask for a loan, however.  Fortunately, your negotiation skills are at their best and you’ll receive helpful and practical advice, especially around the 19-20th.  Going it alone is not necessary now. You have a lot of energy for research and perhaps solitary work this month.

The translation

Well it must mean that all bankers, politicians and cunts in general are Aries’sses’s.  Just read it over again, then think of how much tax we’ll be paying over the next lifetime to pay off the high lifestyles of bankers.  Uncanny, isn’t it?

Taurus – The actual horoscope

“…You or a partner need more time and shouldn’t be pushed into a corner.  New relationships started in October can begin with gusto, but then quickly become complicated….”

The translation

Well, it’s always nice in the early days of a new relationship.  Like the excitement of creeping up behind her, the thrill of knocking her out with the chloroform and the adrenaline rush as you bundle her into the boot of your car.  Still, it’s only a matter of time before the poh-leece come knocking.

Gemini – The actual horoscope

Gemini - Twins. Amen brother

“…. Projects may stall or could be in need of review.  Try your best to work independently and to set your own pace on the job because team work can be challenging now. Overall, however, you are in a playful and demonstrative mood….”

The translation

Fuck work, stay at home and teach those snot nosed little kids on mid term break and pwn their ass on Xbox live.  Eat that, you 12 year old Spetznaz granada throwing fuck.

Cancer – The actual horoscope

“…You’ll also attract at least two admirers, especially in the first week of the month.  Old flames have a way of reappearing in October, although complications are likely…”

The translation

Typical, just when you’ve manage to secure that threesome with your new constantly drunk girlfriend and her needy friend with daddy issues just when your Medusa of an ex shows up with the results of your herpes STI test.

Here are some true facts about sex:

Formicophilia is the fetish of having small insects crawling on your genitals.  Which would work out well for anyone with crabs.

An adulterous male in ancient Greece would have been punished by having his pubic hair removed and having a radish shoved up his rectum.  Sounds like another fetish to me.

In India, it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than to buy a condom.

Every day around the world, sexual intercourse happens 120 million times.

Turkeys can reproduce without having sex, it’s called Parthenogenesis.

Rats can have sex up to 20 times a day.

A pig’s orgasm last for up to 45 minutes.

Ithyphallophobia is the fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.

Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.

Women who read romance novels have twice as much sex as those who don’t.

Here are some facts that we wish were true about sex

Women don’t have orgasms, their bodies are incapable of it.  It’s an evolutionary thing.  Women lost the ability to have orgasms and men lost the ability to give a fuck.

If you’re not lucky enough to have a threesome when you’re alive, you’ll have nothing but hot threesome sex when you go through the pearly gates.  You can even pick your hot lesbian angel chicks to do.  If you have ever been jammy enough to have a threesome when you were alive, when you go to hell you’ll have nothing but devil’s threesome’s.  A fat hairy chick and a dude who’s got a bigger mickey than you.  So think wisely if the opportunity ever presents itself.

Vagina’s are self cleaning, just like a posh oven.  So if you ever go home early and that Juan sheet does plenty cunt is hiding in your wardrobe, accept no excuses.

Women say that they can have multiple orgasms.  However, lesbians are the only beings on this earth with the patience to see if it’s true.

A blowjob isn’t cheating, so I can’t understand why the missus was so upset when she walked in and caught me with the postman halfway down my throat.  Women.

We’ll look around and see what the confidence tricksters astrologists are saying and give you our manly translations, because some of them read like the drunk ramblings of that weird uncle everyone hopes doesn’t turn up.

Aries (The sheepy one):

“… … The possibilities of voyages will be favourable in terms of connections moneymaking… …”

Stop talking like Yoda.  Does this mean we get to have a Pirate treasure hunt adventure?  Better tell us quick before we hire that JCB and dig up the garden next door.  Do we get to wear an eye patch?  How cool is that?

Taurus (The bully one):

“… … May brings lots of excitement and a chance to start fresh on a whole new chapter of life. You are so fortunate that the new moon in Taurus on May 13 is so favourable! . … … ”

After watching so many episodes of CSI, you’ve finally discovered how to dispose of your rotting cheating ex’s body.  Before you know it, the all powerful moon will ensure that you’ll be moved from “suspect” to “person of interest”.  Before you know it you’ll be laughing all the way to the insurance company.

Gemini (The one with the twins, noice):

“… …  you are starting to see the results you dreamed about. By month’s end, the planets will be playing musical chairs … …”

Yeah and the pixies will be playing Battleships and my aura will win an online Texas hold’em tournament and I’ll cross dimensions and have a threesome with Marilyn Monroe and that green alien chick from the Star Trek movie.  It could all happen.

Cancer (The unfunny one, unless it’s like foreskin cancer.  Can you imagine if someone said they had foreskin cancer?  That’d be well funny, you’d be all like “Ah ha, I don’t have a foreskin because I’m a Jew”.  Then they’d be like, “Yeah whatever you filthy Jew”.  Then you could sue them and take all their money before they die from their own knob.):

“… …  May will be brimming with good news for you, with the biggest development that Uranus, the planet of surprise, is about to enter your solar tenth house of career on May 27 for the first time since 1927 to 1935 … …”

You had me at Uranus.

Leo (The liony one):

“… …  When the Sun shines on you like this, you will want to take full advantage. Let’s look closer at all the goodies on tap for you in May … …”

This doesn’t mean that you start sporting shades at the first hint of sunlight like an escapee of an Austrian basement.  Have a bit of pride and remember that the stars are aligned to try and prevent you looking like a twat.  Don’t anger them.

Virgo (The one with the cherry intact):

“… …  You need to unwind and breathe, and the universe will provide all the opportunities you need to do just that … …”

Like lungs and air?  Thanks universe, you’re a real mate.

Libra (The erm, ….):

“… …  It seems you want to make more money, or at the very least, hang on to more of what you earn, so as you enter May, you will still be sorting out your options … …”

Stop staying up late and watching the shopping channels.  You don’t need to build anything so don’t buy the Bricky.  You don’t clean so you don’t need the steam cleaner pro.  And you don’t want to die so stop ordering online Viagra.

Scorpio (The cool sounding one):

“… …  powerful forces were at play, summoned by Pluto to ascertain you would surface again like a phoenix, one of the symbols of your sign, dear Scorpio … …”

Well dear star gazer, that’s just bollox, isn’t it?  Pluto hasn’t been in an original cartoon in donkey’s and if you’re referring to the planet, it’s not even one of them any more.  I’m onto you.  And don’t even get us started on your “phoenixes”.  Making words up won’t help your case any.  It sounds like a drunk hooker with a lisp trying to sound posh and calling your cock a penis.

Sagittarius (The one that sounds like an STD):

“… …  The slow pace that you’ve experienced lately in your career first started in mid-April, so by now it may feel like it’s been going on for an eternity. Soon all this will be a distant memory, so keep your spirits up … …”

Yup losing your job because the boss bet the payroll on a sure thing might have something to do with that, but don’t worry, the social welfare back pays delayed payments, so you’ll be able to eat again soon.

Capricorn (The goaty one):

“… …  It’s certainly been a year so far filled with potential, but has also been one chock full of emotions. It’s been both exciting and difficult, stimulating and exhausting – all rolled into one … …”

Well as a Capricorn myself I can say that this is in fact on the money.  There’s nothing more emotional than the successful mission of drugging a woman out of your league and getting her back to your place.  The adrenaline, the rush, the sweats, the horn.  All rolled into one.  Don’t even get me started on the next day wondering if she remembers enough to press charges.

Aquarius (The fishy one):

“… …  All full moons have an area of influence of four days, so if you didn’t see your career victory yet, chances are you will by May 1 or 2, or at the very outside chance, May 3 … …”

Well, today is May 7th.  Did it happen?  Nope?  How about that?

Pisces (The other fishy one, we think):

“… …  Life is becoming delicious, for good fortune Jupiter is now moving in strong, sure speed through Pisces, showering you with a rare kind of luck … …”

That’s the very least you can hope is showing down on you.  Don’t fall asleep at a house party.

Til next time my pretties, now cross my palm with silver.

We’ll look around and see what the confidence tricksters astrologists are saying and give you our manly translations, because some of them read like Japanese DVD instructions.

Jupiter is rising and so is my penis Venus, so we’ll begin.

Aries (The sheepy one):

“Obtuse behaviour may be misunderstood and you could look a bit silly if you get a bit too stubborn about something. Prepare for some surprises!”

Oh yeah?  Well when you offend us like that it just gives us cause to get stubborn, so we’re not even going to look up what obtuse means.  So stick that up yer bollix.

Taurus (The bully one):

“An intelligent risk or two at this point could pay off handsomely. Lucky times!”

So what you’re saying is that the chick who works in Londis who’s always super nice to me even though all I buy is softcore porn, tissues and peanut M&M’s, is really into me and I should show my love to her with a collage of my toenail clippings and my collection of bodily fluids?  Forget lucky times indeed!

Gemini (The one with the twins, noice):

“Prepare for some loving action. Things can get as interesting as you like, or as you allow. Be open and go for what is on offer. Do not limit what you can achieve. Guard your secrets carefully.”

Despite all her best judgements, that woman you met in the club last night does actually want to touch your winky.  She may also want to do other stuff with it, but she may also be open to a sandwage de trois.  You can do this.  Also, go over the contents of your hardrive before bringing the laptop for repair.

Cancer (The unfunny one, unless it’s like knob cancer, which isn’t funny but it sounds funny.  Can you imagine if you heard that someone had knob cancer?  You’d be all like “No way”, but you’d be giggling on the inside.):

“Play your cards close to your chest. Now is the time to be cute and confidential! Do not be paranoid in a competitive situation; just be mindful that you beat the rest hands down. Now, that can not be so bad. You need to have more confidence in you. That way you take the rap and reap the benefits. Good one!”

Wait, what?

Leo (The liony one):

“Your wizardry can work and is more potent than you appreciate. You might as well make the best of it.”

All those times you camped out for the Harry Potter books will finally pay off.  Get the ladies naked, stand proud and shout “Vestimenta Removi”.  Boing!

Virgo (The one with the cherry intact):

“It is about time your experiences reached integration. Be assured that they will and that what has gone on in the last while will finally gel and make complete sense. The time is now; so how?”

Make complete sense?  Fuck off, you might as well say that Mr Giraffe is coming to dinner and he likes Cottage Pie, now is the time so showcase your mad pie making skills.

Libra (The erm, ….):

“If you listen to your dreams they will provide the clues for inspired decisions. Important messages occur for good reason. Watch for repeating patterns and universal clues. Ignore wobbles and warnings at your peril. It is important to work more closely with your intuition. Rational thought is too predictable!”

If you listen to your dreams it could result in the same way as when you listened to the voices.  Ignore wobbles.  Real men wobble, so have that extra mini roll with your tea you’ve earned it.  Or have a Jaffa Cake, you don’t want to be predictable.

Scorpio (The cool sounding one):

“You are heading into a scenario which is potentially tedious.”

Just because you saw it on that Romanian version of Jackass, doesn’t mean that you should sellotape some pork to your cock and then break into the lion enclosure at the zoo.  Oh wait, tedious?  We read that as dangerous.  There’s nothing tedious about that, go for it bro!

Sagittarius (The one that sounds like an STD):

“Let your bad dangerous side come out to play! Yes, you do have one tucked away somewhere.”

You know who you are, Fritzl you sneaky sod.

Capricorn (The goaty one):

“Take your time and breathe deep. There is really no panic.”

The label said if the condition persists for more than four hours that you should see a doctor.  But that call out fee is a bit steep.  Load up some more Youporn and it’ll take care of itself soon.

Aquarius (The fishy one):

“Be mindful that this life is not another dress rehearsal. So, live a little! Is it time for a bit of old nonsense? Ditch any sense of confinement. Boredom was never part of your game plan. So do not even go there!”

… girlfriend.

Pisces (The other fishy one, we think):

“Hope for a return of that energy you have expended. Like a boomerang your investment will spin around and land in your back yard. Here is hoping you projected the good stuff. For what you create, manifest and harvest will be in direct proportion to the effort you make. Keep things right and make it good.”

Fuck this for a game of soldiers, we’re off down the pub.  How come that wasn’t predicted?

More musing next month.

“Sagittarius will have an interesting week as Jupiter stops by to borrow some sugar.” Bollox, that sounds like a David Bowie lyric.

I have no time for it or anyone who says “But Mary from number 43 read in her stars that she’d come into money and last Thursday she won at Bingo.” Bollox. Last week having gone to Bingo every week for twenty seven years, the odds finally cut her a break and paid her back a fraction of what she had paid out.

Bollox.

According to these people I’m a Capricorn and anyone born a few days either side of my birthday will have a completely different life? That’s not astrology, that’s life. The person born a few cubicles either side of the one I emerged form in the Rotunda has had a completely different life, but the astrologers didn’t see the crib switching coming, did they?

I could go on and on, but you get the message. I think it’s bollox. To try and educate those who are still unbelievers in my way of thinking. I have taken a simple line from each star signs reading for the month from a site that updates regularly and translated it into sane persons language.

Each month I’ll do the same, be sure to let us know if anything ever comes true.  I won’t hold my breath.

Here we go….

ARIES:
“…… and if you’re lucky enough to be holidaying abroad, romance could be on the menu with someone met unexpectedly whom you like spontaneously.”

You mean a holiday fling? What crazy son of a bitch would ever have thunk that? Bollox.

TAURUS:
“…… Bosses may be vague in their instructions this week, and you may find yourself distracted by your plans for home.”

If you keep daydreaming like a fourth year student on work experience, I’ll sack your sorry ass. It’s not that vague really, is it?

GEMINI:
“….. Hopefully this week will find you stretched out on some idyllic beach reading romantic novels to your heart’s content Gemini.”

Fuck me, another holiday related reading in August? True inspiration. Keep an eye out for a slutty Aries by the pool when the Mills & Boon stops doing the trick.

CANCER:
“……Beware speeding this week as you could be subject to unexpected fines….”

If you’re speeding, you shouldn’t find the fine that arrives “unexpected”. Unless you’re a Cancer. Is cancer Latin for dumb?

LEO:
“….. With so much activity in your sign again this week Leo, you should be at your most captivating. Partners may be a little economical with the truth this week, not intentionally to deceive perhaps, but possibly to protect you both from any ugly surprises that could be emerging from the woodwork, particularly where finances are concerned…..”

You were too busy working to realise that she’s spent all the money on Jimmy Choos and the Visa bill in on the way under armed guard. The truth is the only fecking thing she was economical with!

VIRGO:
“….. You could be at your feistiest this week and keen to win out in any arguments with partners….”

Now is the time to play the “I never got over coming home to find you having alone time with midget porn” card. May not win the argument if you are yourself, a midget.

LIBRA:
“…… Your great friendliness and outgoingness should come to the fore this week and win you many friends and plaudits….”

Pretty sure that “outgoingness” is not a real word, and that’s not how you spell applause. Gibshotes.

SCORPIO:
“….. You may choose to spend some of this (money) on prettifying your work surroundings or indulging family with a special treat….. “

Prettifying? Give them a round of aplaudits.

SAGITTARIUS:
“…… and whilst friends may be supportive of your dreams, family may be less so.”

You’re not destined to be a world class leading belly dancer. You’re a pudgy bank assistant, Dave. And you can’t dance.

CAPRICORN:
“…… and you may find yourself enjoying yourself more than you thought possible…. “

Ahem.

AQUARIUS:
“…..building in a surplus to the budget to allow for any unexpected expenses, should serve you well…..”

Think that bottle of champagne comes complimentary with the stripper? Thinks again you should.

PISCES:
“…… Partners could be critical of the time you may be devoting to certain aspects of your work however and criticize you for a possible lack of attention to detail in joint efforts…..”

Lets worry about the munchies when we reach that bridge. Light the damn joint.

I’m off to rub my crystal balls to see what I can cum up with for next month.