Two boobs good, four boobs better

Disclaimer: If you’re the type of person who finds normal (i.e. human) pornography disgusting, evil, demoralising or degrading then you’re probably not going to like what we’ve got here.

For everyone else: Hey! Take a look at these horny monkeys – they’re fucking hilarious!

First up, monkey blowjob:

This guy wasn’t lucky enough to have a helper, so he took matters into his own hands (literally):

Now we see the exhibitionist pair at work:

This little guy knows what he’s doing is wrong, and yet, it feels so right!

And lastly, here we find a monkey engaging in cross-species rape. Normally, you’d feel pretty bad for the victim – but it’s just so damned funny it’s hard to care!

Her lips are full and pink. Her teal green eyes are intense and inviting. Her black eyeliner accentuates her high cheekbones and her strawberry hair complements her light African skin. Her metallic halter dress holds her supple thighs and pushes on her round breast. She is the result of careful attention and workmanship. When you see her up close, you can’t help but stare. At $6000, she’s certainly not a cheap date. For creator, Matt McMullen, she’s a work of art. For everyone else, she’s a Real Doll.

We don’t know if that’s a sales pitch or the voice of a happy customer.

Each to their own we suppose.

Would you?

To achieve similar results: smoke, wank, Youtube, wipe arse on keyboard, repeat.

This was one of those things that I kind of just stumbled across late at night. You know the way it is, you find that one decent video on Youtube just before you were about to get into bed and have that sensible nights sleep you’ve been promising yourself for the last two years, before you you know it it’s 5 am in the morning and you’re still sitting in your own filth promising to yourself that “as soon as this video is over, I’m definitely going to bed…yeh, this is definitely the last one…”

I don’t know how this happens so often, there’s almost a switch in your brain that just flicks over to autopilot once you find something even half good…you need more. Youtube makes it too easy with those recommendations and subscription updates so you don’t even have to go looking if you want to ruin your sleeping pattern. There’s almost the feeling, as you click from video to video, that if you don’t watch all these videos at once that you’ll never see them again…or even worse, one of your friends will see them before you and get all the credit for being the prick who knows all the funny stuff. And you can’t let that happen…you’ve put way to much of your valuable time into staying up till 5 am looking at videos of Paul Rudd doing strange things for you not to get the glory.

So I’m here to lend a helping hand and get you started on yet another sleepless night. These are some guys called FND Films that I found couple of months back. They are a sketch comedy duo from America (Ohio I think) made up of Aaron Fronk and Vinny DeGaetano. They have so many videos to choose from and they’re being constantly updated. Some are pure brilliance, some are a bit hit and miss…but for the most part, they’re good if you fancy wasting a bit of time. I’ve picked out a few of my favorites to ease you into it…good luck, you’ll be hearing the birds in a matter of hours!

Gay Zombie:

The Heist:

Black:

The Cheer Uppers:

The Blame Game:

Lets Make A Movie:

Is there anything left that hasn’t got the LOTR treatment?

Tuesdays are so mundane. Mondays are a pain in the whole, but just as the last symptoms of the weekend hangover have rode off into the sunset, Monday’s are over.

Tuesdays are the way of the future.

We’ve lots of great Boobie Tuesday videos this week for you, but if this first one doesn’t put a smile on your face and have you singing it all day then you’re dead inside.

“If music be the food of love, play on.” - Bill Shakespeare   

Yes lads, it’s true what they say, there is an art to seduction.  It’s all about timing, mutual attraction, trust and atmosphere.  Your best friend in this situation is of course the content of your music collection.  You need to convey your true personality through the tunes you choose, but keep them true to the moment too… muted drums tuned to the beat of your rocking pelvis might not work so well over a glass of wine when smooth jazz would keep energies electric.  Sure, I’ve unzipped a few flies to the sounds of The Presidents of the United States of America but there are a very few ladies who are as classy as I am.   

To help inspire you, I’ve gathered my experience from many years of daytime hookering and compiled a top ten list of fuckme albums to use when Pearl Jam’s Vitalogy just doesn’t do the job.  I’ve ignored the obvious Barry Whites and Barry Manilows because, well it’s obvious really, cheese is best kept for crackers.   

#10 

Sting – The dream of the Blue Turtles   

There’s something about Sting’s voice that makes most women melt, especially if she’s holding an expensive glass of wine in her hand, or drinking champagne from your shoe.  If you can find a life-size cutout of his face and strap it to your own for the entire date, you’re sure to score even faster.   

Air – Talkie Walkie   

Perfect easy listening that lets you concentrate on the matter at hand, as it were.  This album works even better in the morning while you’re cooking her eggs… if any music can cure a hangover, I’m pretty sure this can.   

 The Doors – L.A. Woman  

Summons Dionysus into your living room and bedroom and soon you’ll both be dancing naked around the settee and mingling fluids like there’s no tomorrow.  Lay off the heroin though, it’s bad for your sperm-count.  

Bob Marley – Catch a Fire  

There’s a bit of Kinky Reggae in all of us, Bob is most definitely not just for stoners.  The king of love and redemption, played soft and low is yer only man for getting the atmosphere to the perfect level of chill.   

Nina Simone – Here Comes the Sun  

The high priestess of soul.  She’ll massage those lyrics into your soul and fill those awkward moments quicker than you can say ‘Did you bring any johnnies?!?’.  This is a cover album so you can impress your missuz by singing along, especially to the fantastic upbeat version of ‘My Way’, or you can get her drunk and watch her make a show of herself and record the evidence to use as blackmail later.  It’s all good.   

Massive Attack – Blue Lines  

Sexual chocolate with just the right beat for when things get sweaty.  Each song has that failsafe heartbeat rhythm with  the odd climatic riff thrown in to help you along.  You just can’t beat the classics.  

#4

Tricky – Maxinquaye   

Staying with lazy Bristol twats, this album needs to make this list if not for ‘Abbaon Fat Track’ alone.  I’ll say no  more… it speaks for itself.   

#3

India Arie – Voyage to India 

R&B for people who don’t necessarily like R&B.  Ms Arie’s smooth tones will hit you in places you didn’t know you had -  throw in a few candles and your bit of fluff is putty.  I recommend leaving the room for the duration of the track  ’Complicated Melody’, where India sings up a storm about her fella.  There’s nothing wrong with a bit of associative  brainwashing for getting you in the right books.   

#2

Enigma – The Platinum Collection 

My own personal favourite based on many years of shaggin’ shenanigans with this music stuck on loop.  Choons that requires no listening effort whatsoever, yet works wonderous charms on your trousersnake.  Yes it stinks of the 80′s, but if it  ain’t broke, don’t fix it.   

#1

John Martyn – Solid Air 

May he rest in peace.  This dude’s voice is smoother than the Häagen-Dazs you’ve just licked from your ladyfriend’s pink parts…   sexy, beautiful, drunken perfection.  His stunning guitar playing and deeply moving earthy voice should be in your music  collection whether you’re in the pulling game or not, and that’s all I have to say about that.   

Well it’s Boobie Tuesday again, and that means nothing but boobs for the day. Following our polls here and on the Facebook page, it’s a landslide. Or a boobslide, which ever you prefer. We prefer the idea of a boobslide, we might actually patent that and bring it to the Dragon’s Den.

The results are in, you want more boobs. So that’s what we’ll do.

We won’t flood the site with them, but there will be more of them around here.

You spoke, we listened.

Watch this space, but watch these first.

How many words for boobs do you know?

This guy knows 99, or more, we haven’t counted.

What’s your favourite word for boobs?

With Avatar out this weekend on DVD and BluRay, it’ll be flying off the shelves.  It’s not enough that we gave James Cameron the price of an Irish bank bail out in the cinema, now we’ll all be out buying the DVD.  You can deny it, but it’ll still out sell every other DVD for the next month at least.

We’re not happy with that, enough is enough we say.

Aside from the fact that we’re still upset that we went to see a movie that someone told us was blue that turned out to be far from what we thought, it’s just a movie.

Besides, if we were to make a film like that, and strongly worded letters to Hollywood studios and time will tell on that one, this is what it would be like.

Here is a parody of Avatar that was produced by online animator Happy Harry Toons.

NSFW!

We don’t think it’ll be long before there’s a proper blue version of Avatar made soon anyway.  I’d buy that for a dollar!

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