So last night saw us beat Andorra in the first qualifying match for the next European championships.
Be honest, how many of you had even heard of Andorra before it was announced that we’d be playing them? I’m betting zero, unless you bought some questionable foreign beer that was fermented using goats anus or something.
See? There’s a probably incredibly racist comment. I don’t know that they even have goats there. Fuck it, they’ve barely got a population. Barely 85,000 souls roaming the streets and fields of that great nation.
A great nation that is 468km² and the official first language of which is Catalan, either though French (remember that), Spanish and Portuguese are also known to be spoken.
Not the great nation of Andora which situated in the western part of the Italian Riviera between Capo Mele in the east and Capo Mimosa in the west. This coastal area is called the Palms Riviera which is centred on Savona. To the west is the Riviera dei Fiore, which stretches from the French border to Cervo. Andora had a population of 6,767 in 2001 which swells to almost 10 times this in the summer months.
God bless Wikipedia.
Why am I going on about Andorra and the fact that we beat them last night and secured 6 points? Because it’s the easiest win we’ve had in recent history in any sport. Because as one of the Andorran players was coming on as part of a substitution, the commentator mentioned that he made his money as a gardener.
A gardener.
I’m betting the only other time that could be mentioned as part of a soccer match is between two local five a side teams on a Saturday morning. Accept the line “Well he would be a gardener if his boss hadn’t hung himself to escape bankruptcy, pity that” after it.
Although a five a side team would have put up a better fight against our team. The lads from Andorra seemed to be happy just to be out of the house for the night. It’s no secret that I know fuck all about soccer, so I won’t be offering any sort of play analysis. I could spot that Eamon Dunphy seems to have a hard on for someone called Andy Reid, whatever that’s about.
I’m one of those people who just watches the Ireland games when they’re on so that I know what other people are giving out about when we lose or get cheated by a FUCKING FRENCH MAN! It’s over. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
But the one thing I do notice as a casual soccer watcher is the amount of pansies and pussies in the game. I noticed it when we played Cyprus a few years back and those cunts spend more time on the grass than the white lines. Last night was no different.
Someone in a green jersey would run past them, not causing enough of a breeze to knock a tissue off of a wobbly house of cards and some cunt in a blue jersey would perform a dive that an Olympic swimmer would get a hard on over.
I posted this on the Facebook page last night and you probably saw it, but only one thing sprung to mind after the 5th or 6th unwarranted dive:
Get ta fuck. It didn’t stop either. And after the third goal from Robbie Keane, they just gave up and caused more delays than a disgruntled Ryanair employee. They’d dive, hold their knee (regardless of where they were hit or kicked or pulled from), get the stretchers out, limp for a bit and then run for the ball when the next chance of glory that presents itself.
At one point, a player had to be taken off because he lost a contact lens. I swear, next time he’ll be taken off for a broken nail or a stray tampon string.
But let’s not forget our own behaviour. It still rings around the world the embarrassing behaviour we, as a nation, undertook when we were knocked out of the world cup qualifiers. Marching on the French Embassy (all 300 of us), Facebook petitions and letters to the French President, all to get a chorus of brie stinched middle fingers raised in our direction. And rightly so.
They cheated, they weren’t caught and they got away with it. Whether or not it was intentional, is another thing.
Last night, the goal from Robbie Keane in the 54th minute came from a pass that was played off side. That’s right, I pay attention.
Check it, it’s quick, but it’s there.
And we’ll say it wasn’t intentional, but even if it was, the ref or linesmen never saw it, so we took the goal that arose from it. Are we going to give it back?
No.
It would have made fuck all difference anyway, but we would have stood behind Robbie and said that he wasn’t offside, regardless of all the video evidence shoved down our throats.
So when if Andorra don’t make it to the championships, will they look back on this as a time when they were cheated? Will they bitch and whine for a rematch? Will they’re citizens start racist Facebook campaigns? Will they get a half dozen people to march on the nearest Irish Embassy (Probably located over/in a pub)?
Most likely not. They’ll go back to realising that when a contact lens falls out, you get over it. When you fall over on GRASS, it’s not life threatening and after all, it’s just a fucking game.
All in all, I’ll bet there were tons of people in late bars until the early hours celebrating the win, and who will continue to do so when they call in sick to work this morning to nurse the hangover.
I don’t understand it though when the match was about as entertaining as watching someone else’s kids in a school sports day. Not that I do that anymore.
I don’t understand it when the lads could have put some welly into it and gone for another 2 goals at least, securing another few points and making it easier to go on.
Although maybe it was the fact that we finally beat a team in blue shirts, some of which may sound French*.
*I told you to remember that
























This week’s Sports Babe comes courtesy of a request from one of our loyal readers, and I think you’ll agree that Jessica Ennis fits right in with our previous hotties.


